I decided to take someone's example and post something, anything, each day-even just 5 minutes' worth if needed. Another friend reminded me indirectly that getting things off my chest can really help me possibly get to SLEEP, and not gnaw away at my insides. But even if "nothing much" is going on, I think it's good for me to get into the habit. Call it emotionally taking care of myself )).

This week is a flurry of Christmas parties, mostly on Friday. Sammy's teacher from last year kindly invited him to the class party on Friday, and his own party at Easter Seals is tomorrow night. Holls and Josh likewise have theirs that day, too. I haven't quite figured out how to be in three places at the same time, but it always works out somehow.

Yay, I reached the end of part 3 of War and Peace today )). That leaves oh, about 11 more to go. Many of the main male characters were involved in the Battle of Austerlitz, one of them severely wounded and staring up at the "lofty sky", so familiarly quoted but I never knew from where until now. In real life, Austerlitz paved the way for Napoleon to eventually invade Russia, the results of which come around in roughly 800 pages, six years, and 1,000 miles to the east of Austria. "Lofty Sky" man doesn't actually die; he has to recover and go back and be a major character until said invasion. Then he gets whole entire chapters to himself! And I'll blog that when I get there.

I thought I'd be more into the domestic scenes back in Moscow, but the battle scenes grab me much more. So very vividly written. I'm surprised at myself for that. I started my 2010 reading project early with War and Peace, thinking if I could get through that, then I could read anything. And I approach things now with if I say I'm going to do it, then I do it. Trying to increase my cred next year.

As for the Russian project, I started money and big numbers today. Not nearly as sexy as battles and spiritual experiences, but incredibly useful for my purposes-shopping! Money overseas doesn't feel "real" to me, and I have little idea if I'm getting a good deal. At the least, I want to know how it works. I hate the helpless feeling when I can't read, write, or spend confidently. And for Pete's sake, I need to know how the restrooms work.

I'm not religious, but I have been thinking about "soul". My idea is, of course, a wonderful kind of music, but I wonder what it is, exactly. I know many religious people who have no soul, but all the rules and regulations (that support their views)down pat. Maybe soul can be developed or nurtured, through just paying attention to what I like and what I want to do, and treating my inner life as well as or even better than I treat everyone else and my other responsibilities. So I suddenly figured out my focus for next year-my soul. If that sounds "selfish" and self-centered, then hooray, it's about time! People I know who have this "soul" just radiate love outwards like a supernova, not sucking emotional energy from everyone else. That's what I want for myself. And if someone comes along to share my life, then double hooray. I like it.

Well, I was reading some of my archived posts from when Sammy went into the home, and came to the one in which I agonized over whether or not I was doing the right thing. I thought you'd like an update:

Sammy is getting up early in the morning, stomping out into the hall with noises like "Well, where's my bath? I need my clothes! Where's my breakfast? I gots to go to school!" He knows the drill and has made that place his home, and the patients and aides there his extended family. He seems to enjoy his therapy; and for a big milestone, he got into a swingset on the playground for the first time last month. Of course now they can't get him out of the swings.

He came home for the day on Thanksgiving, but really seemed out of sorts, like he didn't feel quite "safe". Maybe I'll try the same thing on Christmas, but not for so long. I can't believe he's been there for six months and a few weeks, already. Now my fear isn't that he's going there, but that he'll come back before he's ready. I suspect though that he won't live at home full time again, that he'll always need some kind of care.

In other news, I still don't have my car back but have a loaner. I visited the car today to get things out of the trunk, and what happened was that the fuel system was completely demolished in the wreck, but not discovered until it died on Thanksgiving. Pump, filters, wires, all of it. The car probably should have been totalled. If it doesn't need a new tank, then Beverly should be home by Friday. I wish Merry Christmas could have come with a new car, but so be it.

I haven't been sleeping for shit lately. I've always been night-owlish, but this is ridiculous.

Page 219 of War and Peace. I just want to jump in the book and choke some of these characters, but I suppose that's what literature is supposed to do.

Common verbs and objects in my Russian workbook. Unfortunately, both verbs and objects change endings depending on who is doing the action and to what and even when. I'll do my best, but if all I can dig out is a root word, well, that's it. My aim isn't 100% fluency-that's impossible-but to be able to read better and attempt to communicate. That I can do. I do get a silly little thrill out of reading "Leave a Comment" in Russian ;).

gui

The car died again, this time Thanksgiving morning, natch. Wouldn't you know it, it died in front of a Ford dealer. I'm here to tell you, never ever take your car to a dealer, if you can help it. This is Tuesday, and they still haven't even looked at it, let alone fixed it. I'm down to bumming rides from my friends for who knows how long.

You bet I'm going to lodge a huge complaint storm when and if I get my car back. Unfortunately, they can jerk me around like this because they have a huge monopoly in the area. I've had nothing but trouble since that wreck a few weeks ago.

Hi, everyone!

It's that time again-if you want a holiday card from me (any holiday), send me a comment here (screened, of course).

It's time for my annual Thanksgiving post, which I think I missed last year. It's where I sum up the year almost passed. The bold and italics are what I wrote in 2006/07. Here goes:

This is the post I wrote on Thanksgiving, 2006 (and 2007), and that I said I would write this year. Let's see how it went:

Dear friends:

Wow, 2009 has been quite a ride. With the ups came the downs, but we are all here and healthy, and for that I am thankful.

-Yes, it's had its ups and downs. Sammy is in a good place, and doing well. He's doing so much more than I could do for him. Holly and Josh are doing well in their schools; Holly especially is enjoying middle school. I reconnected with several "lost" friends. I made new friends on here, and deepened friendships that were new a year ago. On the down side, some things I wish I'd accomplished didn't come to pass, and I've missed my family. My brother in Europe is in poor health. Misty the kitten is a great pleasure.

So, a tough year economically and (lack of) relationship-wise, and I'm glad to give it my finger. But I know I'm thankful for what I have. I am blessed more than most in this world, and I have the ability to improve my life and that of others.

I am thankful for good health. Last year at this time, I was on a course for a heart attack or diabetes. I'm thankful that I got ahold of myself, have lost the equivalent of a small child (so far), and that I am so healthy at my age that I'll be around for another fifty years. I feel better than I have felt in 25 years, and my food compulsion is g-o-n-e. And dang if jeans with a cute belt and tucked in blouse doesn't make the outfit!

-This is a work in progress. I'm enjoying my new routines on WW, and the help of Jeff, the personal trainer. I joined a gym to get out and swim more. I have more yoga tapes, and know I can take a class at the gym. So while I have a long way to go, it's all about the journey, right? I'm blessed in another year of clean exams.


I am thankful for those who reminded me this year that with endings come beginnings, and thankful that I wasn't too afraid of the ending to embrace the new start. I am thankful for a family of my blood that has gone through hell, but come out closer than ever. I rejoice that despite my parenting, my children are growing into fine people, full of grace and guts. They take my breath away.

-I recently made a choice to make a fresh start in my life. I'm rethinking everything, and decided that nothing was truly out of my reach. I've been feeling beat down and had sub-zero self esteem, but I see that changing. I'm excited about the year to come, and where I might go and who I might meet. I believe in looking forward, not at the mistakes of the past.

As for my family, my brother had a very tough time mourning our father but on the other hand, he recently earned his Ph.D, a long-standing goal. My children leave me in awe. It wasn't me, I know. Hopefully, this lasts into their teen years.

I am grateful for steady work all year long. I am thankful for any job I had, even if it was not "the" job. I have learned new skills, and developed new contacts for the next step. Last year I felt I couldn't do anything. I've learned this year that I can and do offer skills at work, and my work is worthwhile.

-Well, I'm going back next fall to earn my teaching certificate and after that, we're probably talking my own doctorate or law school. The prep for both of those begins now, for testing in February. Like everyone, money is tight but I'm doing all right and it's still been steady. It's time, though, for me to take care of business and deal with my will, Sammy's guardianship, and other business. Some things get left by the wayside because they're unpleasant or involve lawyers, or both. This is the first time I've felt "grown up".

This year was about working on myself, and I'm thankful for the strengths, faults and challenges that I've found inside the woman I call myself. For the first time in a long, long time, I can unequivicably state that I love her. It's been hard-won love.

-I've come a long way with this one. There is still much to do, and always will be. This is not a destination, but a process (ain't this the same every year?)

My life is vastly different this year, and will be very different again next year. Every year is a journey. I'm grateful for wherever mine goes. And I'm so so thankful for those of you walking on your journeys, next to mine. I love you all.

-I know I'm a very lax poster, and an even more lax thank-er, but without all of you within sight of my words, I wouldn't be here. And I don't mean that to be melodramatic.

A very happy Thanksgiving to all, even if you are not American. Know that in the spirit of the holiday (no, not football), I give thanks for each and every one of you, new and old friends.

Peace and love,
gui

And so the challenge continues...Can I come back to this post in 363 days, and paste it into my entry of that day?

I believe I can fly...I believe I can touch the sky..I think about it every night and day...spread my wings and fly away...

gui

Well, I can get inspiration and support from those on my FL who are tackling their weight issues, but nothing gets me on the wagon like the lady at the supermarket yesterday, who complimented me on my beautiful granddaughter. When I look like someone's grandmother, it's time to get my weight under control. WeightWatchers, bring it on. I'm halfway through day 1.

(even the grandmothers on my FL don't look like grandmothers, you know.)

I also found out that my apartment complex actually hired a personal trainer on Tuesdays, Fridays and Saturday mornings. Saturdays are a boot camp. Hey, where else am I going to find a personal trainer for free? It so happens that I can make the times he's here. Here we go!

May I have the same success as the rest of you! I need it. It's good to have a goal again.

I think there's certainly such a thing as that "zing" you feel when you meet someone you have the hots for ))). But, if you are me, it's not to be trusted. If I follow that zing, too often I end up in a relationship of the same old scripts and issues. I told my counselor once that I could be in a gym full of people, and I could pick out the one person with whom to have a messed-up relationship.

But I went too far the other way. I got involved with people whom I was not attracted to in any kind of physical way (especially back when I was with men), and gave them all kinds of chances in hopes that "the feelings will just come". I didn't trust instant zing, so I waited for something to evolve.

This question strikes a nerve, because when I met G., I was very religious and believed that having "zing" feelings led to one sin or another. I firmly believed that when I met the partner that G_d had set aside for me, that those feelings would be in check until we married and then pow! Instant satisfaction. My sexuality would turn on as if throwing a switch.

There's nothing wrong with G., but when I met him there was no physical attraction. I liked his mind (he was very intelligent), but he was very firmly in the friend column. Now I know that for a variety of reasons, both of us ignored that lack of romantic chemistry and thought we could make it work. A romance never developed, even though we obviously became parents, and eventually I was forced to face the reasons why.

So to finally answer the question, yeah, of course there's instant attraction but while it's fun, it's often a big flapping red flag for me. I think attraction that grows slowly out of getting to know someone's mind and spirit is more lasting and satisfying. I think that's why I've never had a great relationship with someone I jumped into bed with too quickly. There just wasn't enough connection outside of sex, and it's hard to go back and "re-do" a relationship.

That said, there's such a thing as waiting too long for chemistry to develop, and making a lot of excuses to yourself why the physical side of the relationship sucks. I did that, more than once. There has to be some kind of difference between instant and someone who's destined for the friend pile. I'm not sure I'm making sense. I also made the mistake-more than once-of "He's so nice, why can't I love him?" or "He's great, why am I not attracted?" Well, yeah, I'm not even straight, but I think this happens to everyone. There's often no good reason why we fall for someone-or not.

gui, as usual, getting the wrong feelings for the wrong person at the wrong time in the wrong damn place...

Today was yet another field trip with Josh, this time to the Mosaic Templars Cultural Center (www.MosaicTemplarsCenter.com, for those who are interested). After the Civil War and during segregation and Jim Crow times, many white-owned businesses would not cater to blacks, employ them, or sell insurance policies to them. So, African-Americans had to pull together and form essentially their own independent city from scratch, parallel to the "white" city. The MT was the center of this community, and acted as a nursing school, beauty school, insurance agency, and social outlet.

This was a fascinating place, and if I hadn't been chaperoning all those kids, I could have killed an afternoon there, easily. I was amazed and inspired by the stories of wealthy African-Americans who were born slaves, without education, funding, or training. The obstacles were displayed without flinching-from substandard, segregated schools all the way to a drinking fountain marked "colored". Josh was shocked to hear that in some parts of this state, these things went on well into his mother's lifetime. I grew up in the north, but there was definite separation there, too. But more than that were the accomplishments and success. The strength and ingenuity of the human spirit always moves me. I can only speak for myself, in that sometimes I feel I get too "soft", and lose that strength. I find it difficult to explain what I mean.

After that, we got back on the bus for a short ride to the Old State House, where we were last week. This time, there was a Civil War living exhibit on the lawn outside. It didn't focus on the battles so much as the time immediately after the Union occupied Little Rock. The kids participated in a demonstration of military drill, examined typical army clothing, and learned about field medicine. I didn't know that after the deprivation of war, most Southerners welcomed the invading Union armies, because they meant food! It was during the years of putting the country back together that things went sour.

As you may have guessed, I love history. I have a love of old homes and structures. If I had to move to the South, I'm actually grateful that I'm in a city that was not burned down, a la Atlanta and still maintains some buildings from that time. But even buildings here built ca. 1836, like the State House, pale in comparison to the row shops I saw in Coventry that were much older than my own country. That blew me away.

Thanks a lot, gillian16. Now I'm just so wanting that fingers entwined, palms together, breath sharing slow sweet lovemaking. Darn it all. My userpic will have to do.

gui

TEN HOW'S:

How did you get one of your scars?
I have one in my hairline where I tripped and fell into a huge vase.

How did you celebrate your last birthday?
The kids and I went out chez Denny's

How are you feeling at this moment?
Happy

How did your night go last night?
I was sleepy and a little down, so I went to bed soon after the kids.

How did you do in high school?
Not well in math, but good in most of the rest of it.

How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
From a walk for Easter Seals

How often do you see ur best friend?
I haven't seen them (they are sisters) in about six years or so

How much money did you spend last month?
Too much.

How old do you want to be when you get married?
2,500

How old will you be at your next birthday?
47

NINE WHAT'S:

Your mothers name?
Janet

What did you do last weekend?
I cleaned out my closet, visited Sammy, baked

What is the most important part of your life?
Holls, Josh and Sammy

What would you rather be doing?
sitting by a beautiful lake with someone I love

What did you last cry over?
The kids and I watched "Up" last night. The old man reminded me of my father, and I just bawled.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
Putting on some music and grooving around my living room

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
Character, sense of humour, curiousity

What are you worried about?
my children

What did you have for breakfast?
Cheerios and an orange

EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Story of my love life.

Have you ever had your heartbroken?
See above

Have you ever been out of the country?
Several times

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
I have done so.

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
I sure have.

Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Yes, but it is so not worth it. NO one tells you how hard it is to clean sand out of some places.

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
*giggling* yes

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Yes

SEVEN WHO’S:

Who was the last person you saw?
Holly's English teacher (I'm not including the kids)

Who was the last person you texted?
NO text!

Who was the last person you hungout with?
The kids

Who was the last person to call you?
My son's friend's dad

Who did you last hug?
Holly

Who is the last person who texted you?
No text!

Who was the last person you said "i love you" to?
Josh (boy, I need to get out more)

SIX WHERE’S:

Where does your best friend live?
Pittsburgh, PA and Atlanta, GA

Where did you last go?
Dixie Cafe

Where did you last hang out?
was home all weekend

Where do you go to school?
Kent State

Where is your favorite place to be?
My room, in the mountains, on the beach-outdoors

Where did you sleep last night?
In my bed.

FIVE DO’S/DOES:

Do you like someone right now?
I always like! :o)

Do you think anyone likes you?
Maybe, I don't know

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
No. But sometimes I wish I were somewhere else.

Do you know the muffin man?
She offered her butter-covered, jam-flavored body to me.....

Does the future scare you?
If I watch the news and freak myself out.

FOUR WHY’S:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
I have more then one best friend and I love each of them for who they are.

Why did you get a myspace?
Ha! I never caved to myspace.

Why did your parents give you the name you have?
I was named after my maternal grandmother.

Why are you doing this survey?
Too lazy to write a post?

THREE IF’S:

If you could have one super power what would it be??
Change shape and form.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
No, because then my present would be all different.

If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?
A boat?? Seriously, a suitcase full of books.

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
No.

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
Yes I would.

ONE LAST QUESTION

Are you happy with your life right now?
Eh....getting there.

Holly and I went to Houston this weekend for a Turkish Cultural Festival.  I have to say that Holly is a traveler without equal at her tender age.  She could lead a hike up Mount Everest, and probably find a mall at the summit.   This trip was sort of a dry run, to see if we could travel together without killing one another before we embarked on something really ambitious, like spring break in Istanbul.   If anything, Holly is better than I am, and I think I'm pretty good.

I failed to follow my own rule for traveling: It doesn't matter when you last had your period.  You will always get it in the middle of a long bus ride, and long before any scheduled stop.   Corollary: You will always stop at a truck stop, where female things are few and far between. 

I think there's some kind of purgatory involving 100+ teenage girls, excrutiating pain in the abdomen, Looney Tunes on the bus TV, and dinner balanced on your knees.  Add to that the fact that there is no direct freeway route between Little Rock and Houston, and you get seven hours of snaking through town after town through "scenic" East Texas.   I contrasted this place with San Antonio a few months ago; San Antonio was more like the Wild West.  East Texas was more Southern than the old South-and as I heard, not for all the good reasons.    There is such a freeway proposed, but it's tied up with protests and court, I hear.  Who knows if it will ever go through?

That said, the festival itself was a blast.  I enjoyed the graceful dancers and singers, and explored booths full of rugs and lovely headscarves.  The next day, we visited a huge mall (largest in Texas).  I felt like an ugh, but I'm glad I went.  So tired this morning, though!

gui

In today's news, I found out this morning that the accident ruined my gas sensor, so it read wrong.  How do I know this?  Running out of gas in the middle of an intersection with three kids in the car, in pouring rain, of course.  A kind cabbie came along and put gas in the tank for me. Opinion thus far of this day: ugh. BUT, if this group ever comes to the States, I am so there:

I'm assuming it's "help them conceive a child", lol.

I'm sure no one wants my battered old eggs or useless uterus now, but let's say I was 15-20 years younger. Before I had kids, I didn't know how attached I would feel to the baby growing inside me, but now I know. So I don't think I could do it without getting ultra attached. Too difficult emotionally, and pregnancy did a job on my health anyhow. As for donating eggs, that's a wringer with hormones, etc., I thought.

As for a hypothetical partner-that would be her choice. It's something we would discuss VERY carefully.

It's a sad world when there are 5 billion people in the world, and we're reduced to snuggling with this:


I can see the headlines now: "Local Woman Crushed By Robot Sluggo". I could see some applications for Sluggo, but I don't know if I want to hug it or bake it.

gui

1) I believe there are people with whom we "resonate" so strongly, that your souls sing together. It might be romantic, maybe not, but there is definitely a "vibration" between you that isn't just the hots.

I don't believe in the idea that we are "completed" by our soul mates. I'm already complete as I am. I think these special people lift us somehow, make us more alive and open but it isn't like something is missing before. They compliment life, not fill a void. A person can't fill a void that's meant to be filled from within.

2) I don't believe in just one soulmate per person. A lifetime is long, and we change so much from year to year. So, there is no "him or her", in my thinking. I've met a few people who I've resonated with on a soul level, and in fact none of them were a romantic relationship (not ruling that out though-that would be ecstasy!)

3)Again, I don't believe in "the one". Well, sometimes I say that the one person who could put up with me is probably in Outer Wherever living in a yurt, but I am jesting, and it's out of loneliness that I do feel. There are people who have moved on-literally, or just grown apart from me, and that's OK. What I won't do is live with any regrets.

...well, I'm out, anyway. Car still in for a few days.

It started this morning at 7:30, when Holls realized she'd forgotten her lunch. I should have insisted that she take some cash and buy today, but no, I went home, grabbed the lunch and started back. I live off of a divided highway, so I had to go westbound, turn around, and back east. Right into the sunglare.

I saw brakelights up ahead, so I slowed down, and WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! The car behind me rear-ended me so hard that I ended up on top of her car! Two others hit her from behind, but not nearly the same damage. Anything underneath my car ended up on the road. The car behind me was smoking, so I thought I'd better pile out as soon as possible.

Believe it or not, no serious injuries. I sprained everything in sight (and a few things not in sight), but aside from feeling banged up, I shall live. In the car behind me, the driver had a bloody nose from the bag, and her daughter sprained her wrist. The other two drivers were not hurt.

I'm more angry than physically hurt. I can't tell you how many times I've been tailgated on Chenal before by drivers who think it's the Indy 500. The lady who hit me HAD to be going at a hell of a clip to end up underneath my car. She's going to be cited out the wazoo. I'm one of the pokiest drivers you'll ever see-firmly 3-5 seconds between me and the next car, darn it!

But, my wreck was famous! We made the radio, on account of the massive traffic jam it caused. I made the doctor who saw me, and his nurse, late for work. The rental car place asked, "Wow, did you hear about that wreck on Chenal? One car on top of another...". How convenient, by the way, for a rental car place to be located near to the body shop?

Thank G_d for no kids in the car, mine or any others. And Thank G_d for whoever created Vicodin.

a banged-up gui

Today I probably finished up the season of swimming laps outdoors. It was a bit brisk out there, but not unbearable. I did find that my body just can't swim much when it's a little cold and I did much less than usual. Still, 20 minutes is 20 minutes and I'm about to go record that fact )).

I realized that the only way I'm going to exercise regularly is to have money behind it. So, I signed up for a years membership at our city-run health club and pool. Because it's mostly backed by the city, it's far, far cheaper than say, Bally's. Usually, I pay day to day, but then too many days go by when I'm not there ))). Now I have the pool, treadmills, handweights, and classes. Plus, the kids can swim indoors or go to the gym every Saturday. Best of all...it's drop them off and "see ya later".

I feel good tonight. I always feel better when I'm taking care of myself. Since that's true, why do I get off track? I'm motivated to make this my habit. Next tomorrow is a big food-shop and purge. I'm ready to do more than just not hurt; I'm ready to feel great.

I think I've had an epiphany about what I'm supposed to be doing. Unfortunately, I had to be at work to experience it.

I just spent all morning at one of those "team-building" meetings. We split up into four groups and our exercise was that we,the group,worked for a TV station and was a hiring committee for the six o'clock news. Our job was to hire an anchor. We were supposed to consider seven parameters: height, age, weight(!), nationality, hair length, hair colour, and gender.

Believe it or not, 3 of the 4 groups came up with something like "5'6 to 6'0, 35-40, 150 pounds (someone actually said that), white or African-American (so much for my Chinese coworker), shoulder-length and natural coloured hair (looks up at tinted spiky hair on my head), and male (looks down)".

The group yours truly was in threw out those parameters and came up with "charismatic, experienced, intelligent, professional, ethical, reassuring, and curious". The other groups took us to task for "not following directions" and assuming we could "make up our own exercise". The leader told us that when he had the exercise the first time, he refused to do it at all. I wish we'd thought of that. I happen to think the parameters we came up with describe a hell of a good teacher.

Then the discussion veered off into-buzzword alert!-teaching "outside the box", and-here it comes again, a buzzword!-"cooperative education". I sort of checked out, exept for anything the leader of our group had to say (she's the one who threw out the parameters).

Anyway, the epiphany. In a year and a half, I'll have my masters in teaching and I really don't want to quit that. But-and I've been thinking this for awhile-my calling is really teaching people who want to be in my class, for the most part. And to do that, I'll have to face facts, I need to go back and get my doctorate. I'm going to finish the masters and while I'll have to teach during the day (no use wasting it), I'm going to finally get that doctorate in physical science like I wish I'd done from the get-go. It's where my passion is, after a few missteps and dead ends. We're talking no time and a lot of work, but at the least I finally have a plan. Yay for seminars!

gui

OK, so you've never heard of the Polgars-they are, or were,women's world champions in chess. To say that my chess was like theirs would be like comparing Kraft dinner with Julia Child, but yes, in my own way, I was a decent player and held my own.

The legacy continues: Holls joined the chess club at her school ))).

I taught her and her brother how to play, but I thought neither was really into it. Turns out, Josh wants to attend the club with her (it is OK'd by the teacher/advisor), and they are both becoming quite strong players. I'm not going to play stage mom here and ruin a fun game; if they want to get into competition, there's a lot of time to enjoy that.

It felt odd being back in the "groove", so to speak. I haven't played officially, for ratings, in years. So here I was, ordering a chess set and bag for Holls, and realizing that I miss those days! I miss packing my set and clock and setting out for yet another tournament. I retired because it's a lot of study and practice to crack even master level, and I wasn't willing to do that at the time. I play occasionally in the land of Yahoo, and that's been it.

When I let slip to the advisor that I used to play competitively, he asked me to come to the club as another teacher/helper ))). I'm very happy. It's only a small step from that to going to a competition here and there. Yay, I'm playing again!

I was so freaking glad when the Giants beat Dallas in that obscene stadium. That's the only word for it-obscene. I have to agree wholeheartedly with jake67jake in that regard.

I have to admit that today I was bothered by something I wrote over a month ago, in that sex survey. I think the question was "Have you ever gone out to a bar just for sex", or something like that. I replied that I felt "tired" just thinking of getting made up or shaving,etc.

Today, I began to ask, "why"? Not that I'd go out just for sex-although my body sometimes tells me differently. I asked why I would feel tired taking care of myself, and pampering myself. Then I began to ask if it wouldn't be more tiring to let myself completely go, and not care.

Reason being, that I used to care-a lot. Depression will suck the motivation right out. I got to a point where I was too tired to care about my hair, clothes, any of it. But something has really shifted in just the last few weeks. I has fingernails ))). I shaved, and feel all softy-like. I spent time on my feet, and did a mani and pedi. I actually felt more energy after this, not less.

I'm excited to think that I might be coming "back" to who I really am, both in caring for myself, in weight, in all of it. Or maybe this is just moving forward, and there is no "back". I don't know. I suppose it doesn't matter. I'm excited that I'm too "tired" to not get myself together. May the opposite become the default.

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